Diwali @ alone

This is for all those who chose/had to stay back home/place they temporarily call home away from loved ones/parents/family/anyone they cherish due to reasons beyond their control/voluntary/forced.
Ever spent Diwali alone? It’s the Hollywood equivalent of spending Christmas by yourself. It actually is not just that day. It starts a lot earlier than that. A week before and people are already gung ho about going back/being with people they love. You start to hear the “next week is Diwali ... I will be home” refrain more often than not. Then they start to make plans about what they will be doing and it all of a sudden hits you that “oh shit you are going to be alone again this time!” and this inspite of promising yourself last time (and the 2 times before that) that you shall not spend Diwali alone again.
Coming from a South Indian (to be read as MAL) family and being brought up in Calcutta ensured that Diwali was never a big thing growing up. It was the after effect of the Pujas ... the day to get over the heady hangover that the waiting for Pujas coupled with the actual Pujas itself (potent mix, trust me) had brought on. As kids the day you realise Puja holidays are over and that long due ‘holiday homework’ still had to be done. But then you slowly realise if you take away those 2 states 90% of the rest of the states celebrate it as their MAIN (well almost – how else do you explain the fact that you are doing the equivalent of setting fire to a bundle of notes) festival.
Anyway back to D day (in this case day before Diwali) ... this is when everyone takes off (in certain cases has already taken off). You go to work (if you work for an IT company you probably have a chance of going to work ... even if you don’t, if you are not going anywhere you probably won’t be looking at taking 2 days before and 2 days after Diwali off to get a long week away from work) and people eye with that “why haven’t you gone to work look” some go as far as to ask “you are leaving today is it?” or the worst “didn’t you get tickets?” at first you nod and smile and pretend to ignore ... then you say a firm NO which is soon replaced by the exasperated NOOO and then the final stage of “pretend to be busy ... look grave and say WORK ... WHAT TO DO”.
Then driving back you see little groups of people together in front of houses ... look up and see balconies of almost every house (except yours ofcourse – small digression – remember the big bazaar ad, every time I see it I smile and say HEY THATS ME! ... ofcourse it’s not something to be proud of but then again we hold on to little things in life don’t we) has candles lit or lights strung up. You look around and see people not thinking of terrorist attacks, not thinking of the amount of money lost or gained in the stock market not even bothering about whether the market ended higher or lower ... right now they are concentrating on making sure that rocket is placed right, sparkler is held properly and the cracker is thrown away from the body and the loved ones are together. This is the spirit of Diwali ... bring all you love together. As the rockets light the sky, the sparklers in everyone’s hand bring light into the night and push away that chill sneaking up, the crackers startle and then bring a laugh and that smell of sulphur (I love that smell, for some reason makes me nostalgic, makes me want to be home, makes me want to be able to hug someone close, makes me want to love someone and be together for that) pervades all ... you think of all that you are missing, smile at the father asking the child to be careful, laugh at the kid frightened by the sound of the cracker and then wish once again you could be with someone.
Walk up the steps, don’t take the elevator, you want to see the decorations in each house, see an undecorated door and your heart jumps thinking there are more like you only to go back to its depths of loneliness when you notice the newspaper outside indicating the people are not there at home – they have gone home. Reach home and crave for Floyd ... the music of the lonely ... make a drink, settle in with your cigarette and then give in to Floyd. Coming back to life goes the music and you slowly fade away ... like a rocket illuminating the dark sky, piercing the darkness, through the slight chill you BURST and then fade away till you are COMFORTABLY NUMB.

Floyd, alcohol and the cigarette – so what if there is no Diwali this time – next time I promise I will go somewhere and be with people I know. I promise.